Vocation Vocation Vocation

These last few days I have been doubting all the abilities I believed myself to have. It don’t feel like a writer. I don’t feel like an artist. It’s hard when your whole life you have searched diligently for a place to belong, a groove to fit into, and when you get to the end, you feel like you may have picked the wrong groove. I feel like a square peg who has been fooling herself into believing she belonged in a round whole. I feel betrayed. Why hasn’t anyone ever told me that I was a joke? Why hasn’t anyone spun me around to see the other side of the world and give me a chance to find where I belong?
My whole life, I have had a passion for literature. It cries out from deep within my soul and begs me to write. It begs me to set the inner words free. I have allowed these words to flow freely for most of my life. It wasn’t until lately that I just don’t believe that I write well. I doubt that even belong in a world with authors and journalists. I suppose I will have to pick a simple career like being a doctor or a lawyer- those vocations have finite points. They are almost impossible to misinterpret.
I have come to accept that being and artist is overrated. I may be ‘talented’, but I shan’t subject myself to a world full of mentally distressed individuals who bear their souls for spare change. I couldn’t handle the stress that accompanies the rejection and criticism that make up art. I am more than aware that all my photographs won’t always be breath taking. I understand that not all my paintings will be suitable as Christmas gifts. It scares me to think about basing a career around these things because their world is ever changing. I wouldn’t ever be able to keep ahead of the curve. I would stand, hacking in the dust left behind by all those who went to chase the modern standard.
So here I am. I have no vocation. I have no realistic dreams. I have no decent interests. I stand alone before the wilderness I have come to recognize as my future and tremble. Not having a plan- not knowing isn’t something I am accustomed to, nor am I willing to become acquainted with. I refuse to shake hands with defeat or mediocrity. I will find a place to be, a path through the wilderness that hasn’t already been trodden. I will accept all my struggles with wide open arms and a smile on my face. Screw the groove. Future, this game of hide and seek is over. You’re it!