Enough.

Something that scared me while you were around is that I knew you were enough. I didn’t need to succeed to be happy. I knew as long as I had you, I would be happy. I knew that success would happen eventually and I could focus on life happening now. Instead of trying to make the future happen.
Now that you are gone, I’m afraid that no one will ever be enough again.
I’m afraid that I will never be enough.
And that nothing is going to matter again.
It isn’t that I loved you. Not even a little. But I do wonder daily if I will ever be happy in my own skin again. Will I ever laugh? Will I ever feel? Will anyone ever feel me again? Will I ever get the good kind of butterflies?
You have breaking my heart from the beginning. All I ask is that you be careful what you say to me. Because it is a delicate balance, a fine line, between our happiness and our friendship. I know we both want to cross that line, but you built the wall. You made me put my guard back up.
It is all because of you.
Please let life be enough.

When The GPS Isn't Always Right...

If there is anything left in this world that I know for sure, it’s that nothing is ever going to be that same again. There is no one to blame. There is nothing you can do to fix it. That’s just the way things go. We travel on this path of life assuming we know the directions we will take in the not too distant future, then suddenly a detour or change in pace rock your world upside down. There is no one at the steering wheel. There is no one navigating. You careen out of control until you find yourself in a new position headed in a different direction. It’s heart breaking, losing everything you thought you wanted, everything you thought you were supposed to have. There is nothing to fix because the broken pieces are not there to put back together. There is no one to ask for help because all these people are now strangers to you. You have to pick everything up and regroup. I have to decide my direction from here.
There is officially nothing holding me down here. Call it pessimistic, but I have nothing to lose. I can throw caution to the wind and say whatever comes to my mind. I’m scared of nothing, yet I fear everything. There is nothing I want more than to have everything back to “normal.” Or was that normal?
Whatever it WAS, it’s what I want.
You know, that’s something you forgot to consider. You think you have what you wanted, but did you ever stop to consider what I wanted. What I needed? I was left here with nothing to cling to, no words to say, nowhere to go. I know at this point that things can never go back to the way they were. My world has crumbled to pieces. There is nothing left here for me. Nothing is living in the direction I was formerly heading.
I hope it’s everything you wanted. I hope it’s better than you imagined it could be, your life without me. Because I know plenty of people who will gladly take me into their lives and keep me there. Next time you think you aren’t happy remember that maybe it’s yourself ruining everything, and not the person trying to make it better. Maybe then you will realize what you tossed aside.
Because I don’t do second chances. You only get to mess up once.