Permanent Costume

In the past few weeks I have been someone I am not. But am I becoming the person I have been impersonating? I could like that- being someone who feels with passion and emotion, being someone who has opinions and expresses them. I could be someone who stands out in the world.
Maybe.

Stop.

Every time something seems to be going right, I manage to destroy it. I am arriving at this place that is void of all emotions simply because I have allowed myself to be hurt so often.
Everyone around me keeps telling me that it isn’t my fault. “You’re perfect…” “It’s not you…” And at the same time they feed me lines like “I can’t handle a relationship with you right now...” It stings every time I think about all the people I have driven off by just being myself.
I’m ready for being me to be enough. I am ready for being smart, sassy, and beautiful to work to my advantage rather than making all these people think I am better off alone. If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn’t be around. If I wanted to be overlooked, I wouldn’t bother taking care to show up.
Why is it that all these people say one thing to me, then show me the emotion they claim isn’t there? For example, my most recent heartbreak said to me “I have too much going on… I can’t handle a relationship… you are going to find someone who deserves a great girl like you…” (or something like that) then proceeded to continue the flirting that got us into this situation in the first place.
I am arriving at a place that is filled with frustration and anger. This repeat pattern just isn’t working for me. Break this curse. End this cycle.
Can someone please just sweep me off my feet and carry me away from all this nonsense. Please.
I am tired of thinking about myself and being close to tears. I want to be happy so bad it hurts. I am trying so hard to be enough for myself… but I need more. I need someone to want me so bad they will burst if I don’t cave into their persistent attempts to make me fall for them. I want what other girls get.
I want you.

Unlove

I’m not looking for someone to break my heart
I’m not looking for someone to hold my hand
Not someone to keep my secrets
Not commitment
I’m not looking to fall in love
I’m not searching for forever
I’m just looking for tonight
No relationship beyond primal connection
No passion beyond embrace
As wrong as this seems
As impossible as it sounds
It’s all I want right now
I know you are the one who can satisfy this need
The one with the cold hearted capacity
Because I know you want the same things
It’s like we were made for each other
Together we can fall out of love
Together we can stay apart
We are like two puzzle pieces
Not that fit together
But that don’t fit anywhere else
So just accept that I’m as simple as I seem
And fall in unlove with me.

So That's What You Call It These Days.

I'm done falling in love. I'm done searching for someone. I am done with what this fairytale tradition I am told I am supposed to want.
Who decided this?
Who was it that decided I should find someone in this world that loves me back? Love works so much better from one side. Love isn't love at all. It is a connection that us as humans feel the need to label. I don't want a label. I want what happens to happen and to be everything I have never experienced.
I want something to be my everything.
But it won't be love.
I have been informed that "love" s overrated... and I am beginning to agree wholeheartedly.
I would love to believe, but I am just too logical for something as silly as tummy butterflies to run the rest of my life.
If it happens, then it happens, but I am not studying this dream anymore.
I plan to make my own traditions. I destroy these labels.

God Only Knows...

I am still trying to fully figure out what it is I did to catch the world's eye.
I don't mean the good type of attention.
I don't mean the glorious type of fame.
I mean this painful knowledge that everyday when I get up that some new rumor has been spread about me amongst the people I thought I knew.
I don't think it is exactly fair.
I know that nothing about me is perfect. But I also know I haven't ever been a vindictive person. Somebody in my life thinks this cruel defamation of my character is hilarious. I hope the sick joy they get out of destroying me is everything they wanted. Because this pain is something I have never known.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
But I will keep smiling like this doesn't bother me in the least.
I will pretend that I am as strong as you all think.
I will prevail through this trial like I am a super human...
Because if I don't, nothing will ever be okay for me here.
Perhaps this is the world giving me a shove in the right direction for my life. Maybe this is opportunity not just knocking, but beating down my door. Maybe.
Maybe not.
Whatever THIS is, it's not going to get me. It will not destroy my heart. It will destroy you.
You know who you are, and so does God.

Never Have I Ever..

Everyday it get's a little easier for me to think of something other than you. You might always be on the back of my mind, but at least you don't consume the entire area anymore... most days.
Everyday I want to be a little more honest. I want to ask the world what it's problem is with me. I want to throw my middle finger up to the universe and smile as I sail through all the adversity... most days.
Everyday I find something to love within myself. I find something about me that I wouldn't change no matter what. I fall in love with this beautiful person every chance I get... sometimes.
Everyday I lie to myself, claiming I am okay. Everyday nothing. It's a big fat never. Never will it all be flawless again. Never can I take back the mistakes. Never will it be the life I could have had. Ever.

I'm Not Your Type

I’m not the type of girl you brush past, because there will be something to catch your eye. It may not be that I’m gorgeous. I may not stop your heart with my strut. But you are going to notice that something is different, and you will want to know more.
I’m not the type of girl you forget. Because I have a universal connection, I can make everyone fall in love with me for at least a second. My face may not be unique or amazing. My eyes may not sparkle and gleam. But I know that you are paying attention every time I speak. My words are never wasted. I know I am always heard. And I know I will always be remembered.
I’m not the type of girl you get over. I’m the type of girl your father warned you about. He may call our type “the one who got away” he may even call us “wife”. But you should be made aware of the effect that I can’t control. I don’t know what does it. What it is that makes people fall in love with me. But I know that they never fully get over me. The poor boys in my past’s hearts still skip a beat when they see me.
I’m not the type of girl that will sit through these mind games that you think you are playing with me. I invented these games. I know how to win. I know how to cheat. I know what to say to make any conversation go my way. I know what to do to make you think you have a remote chance. I can assure you that you only get one.
I am the type of girl that thinks she has fallen for you. And this is new to me. It’s nothing I have ever experienced before. And I want nothing more than to give you the second chance you don’t deserve. I never want you to know that I cry myself to sleep assuring myself that you still want me. I never want you to know that you make me doubt every action in my day. I’m afraid to be myself. And I’m afraid to be anyone else. The type of girl you can’t brush past. The type of girl you can’t forget. The type of girl you never get over. I just want to be yours.

All I Want

I have been waiting.
I have been hoping for days.
I have been waiting and hoping that you will just ask me.
Ask me if I am okay?
If everything is going alright?
I want you to want me so bad you can’t stand yourself.
I hear what you say, and it’s obvious you are infatuated.
I just hope it’s me you can’t get over.
And if it’s not, so help me God, I will end you.
Because I deserve nothing less than the best.
And we both know I can have whatever I want.
And I will get everything that I want.
And unfortunately for you, I want you.
I want all your baggage and mess.
I want your flaws and your tiny chest.
I want your big brown eyes to look at me.
I want that genuine smile to distort your face.
I want you to realize that this is where you belong.
I want you to wake up from dreams of my green eyes, wondering why they aren’t there.
I want you to miss my warmth and kindness and silent stare.
I want you to think of me every time you hear any song and wonder why you let me walk away.
I want your hand on my knee, on my neck, in my hair.
I want your gaze locked on mine, wondering how you got a girl like me.
I want to infest your mind.
I want to be your every breath.
I want you to know that it’s you that I want.
And if I can’t have that, I don’t want you at all.
Trust me when I say, I get what I want.
And I want you to want me.

Shell {pre-broken heart}

For the first time in an eternity, I felt something today. Something that cannot be defined as numb. Something that sends out a glimmer of hope that I am still lost in this body somewhere. I am unable to define what it was I felt. It seems like a combination of all the emotions I haven’t experienced in so long.
Overwhelming is an understatement.
What keeps me awake night after night is that I don’t know what has happened to any passion I used to have. There is nothing inside of me anymore. It is so numb that it’s painful. It’s like my personality has fallen asleep. But today was that tingly awakening feeling I needed to know I was still alive.
At least I think I am. Alive. Or something like that.
Does it take seeing those I love in bitter anguish for me to feel anything? Does it take the breaking of what I call my heart for me to understand who I used to be?
Where have I gone? Where am I hiding? Why has it taken me so long to realize I checked out? These questions mill about my mind as I try to find some sliver of meaning. Some hint of a purpose.
What is my purpose? I do nothing of any use. I have become one of the people I try so hard to hate. A nothing. A void.
I want to cry, but there isn’t enough emotion to produce an ounce of saline. I want to scream, but there is no air to fuel my voice. Nothing touches me anymore.
I just want to become myself again.
I just want to feel… anything.

Until Further Notice...

Until further notice, I am not singing in the car. Today I noticed all the songs I feel express my point of view- music has become the simplest way since I had you- are all sung by men. Why does it seem that men are the only ones who get their hearts broken?
You, yes you, broke my heart.
Until further notice, you turned this optimist into a pessimist.
I don't want to move on. I don't want to just be your friend. But know that I will fake it as hard as I can until I find some sort of relief.
Some sort of...something that is better than what I have going on right now.
Seriously, boy. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to admit that you got ME? I have been the one that no one could phase since forever.
I don't even believe in love.
But until further notice, you changed everything. I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell for you. I remember the smell of your skin, the sound you made, the words you said, and didn't say.
I wonder everyday when I think of you, if you think of me too. I wonder if you still want me. I wonder if you still think my eyes are beautiful or if you will ever wrap your fingers in my hair ever again.
I wonder everyday.
I dream every night. The same depressing, fairy tale dream. The dream that you come back and tell me how wrong you were. You close the door, take my hands, and look me in the eyes...
To put it simply, I miss you.
And I want nothing more than your missing me to eat you alive everyday until you try to make me yours again.
I want you to make me give you the second chance I promised I would never give. I want to give you the second chance we know you don't deserve.
That's the simplest way for me to explain what would make this better.
Stop listening to the wrong advice and listen to what I hope your heart is telling you.
You belong with me until further notice.