For the first time in an eternity, I felt something today. Something that cannot be defined as numb. Something that sends out a glimmer of hope that I am still lost in this body somewhere. I am unable to define what it was I felt. It seems like a combination of all the emotions I haven’t experienced in so long.
Overwhelming is an understatement.
What keeps me awake night after night is that I don’t know what has happened to any passion I used to have. There is nothing inside of me anymore. It is so numb that it’s painful. It’s like my personality has fallen asleep. But today was that tingly awakening feeling I needed to know I was still alive.
At least I think I am. Alive. Or something like that.
Does it take seeing those I love in bitter anguish for me to feel anything? Does it take the breaking of what I call my heart for me to understand who I used to be?
Where have I gone? Where am I hiding? Why has it taken me so long to realize I checked out? These questions mill about my mind as I try to find some sliver of meaning. Some hint of a purpose.
What is my purpose? I do nothing of any use. I have become one of the people I try so hard to hate. A nothing. A void.
I want to cry, but there isn’t enough emotion to produce an ounce of saline. I want to scream, but there is no air to fuel my voice. Nothing touches me anymore.
I just want to become myself again.
I just want to feel… anything.
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