Am I a bad person, for feeling this way?
Listening to you talk about your father and wondering if I will be telling the same horror stories oneday, it makes me sad.
I was once fearful for the younger offspring, but I see the way you love her. I feel the way she has no fear for you.
It's different with her. You are different now.
You say you are fearful that I resent you, and you are right. I resent you. You ruined the way I see all men. You killed the way I feel respect. If you could do it over, you say, you would... I know you would be the same. It wasn't the change in you father, it was the me that was the problem.
You always ask why I hate you. You always ask what you can do to make me like you.
Just stop wondering. The damage is done. There is no reversing the way you have made me feel.
If I am a bad person, I will just have to live with it.
And so will you.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Misplaced Misfortune
I was trapped in a car for days with the family. It wasn't so bad, but I felt creative the entire ride, crossing state boarders and smelling weather changes. All I wanted to do was write. And alas I was trapped with no outlet for the words swimming through my veins.
I regret it now, because there is nothing left of those thoughts. They are long gone, littered among the state lines and left in the warmth that isn't induced by a wood stove.
I am sure they are happier there. And who knows, maybe I will come across them on the journey home. But for the time being I am left voiceless.
So I will discontinue this attempt at reviving those thoughts.
I regret it now, because there is nothing left of those thoughts. They are long gone, littered among the state lines and left in the warmth that isn't induced by a wood stove.
I am sure they are happier there. And who knows, maybe I will come across them on the journey home. But for the time being I am left voiceless.
So I will discontinue this attempt at reviving those thoughts.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Happy Holidays.
I listen to what I want to hear. I digest what I need to hear. And I tolerate what you need to say, just so we can all seem a little happier.
I haven’t loved family holidays for years. Spending my days with the very people I seem to avoid all other days of the year, talking about my future which I don’t believe I have, smelling all those foods that make me want to vomit, all the gift wrapping flying through the air and complete chaos- I hate it all.
I feel bad… as I should for hating being around people who love me. It hurts me that I feel nothing back. And honestly there is nothing I could possibly do to fix myself. I have tried everything know to induce feelings for someone- anyone, but I never have.
And dear family, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the person you need to see smiling at all the love and attention I am receiving from you. But understand that it’s not all my fault. But it’s not all your fault either. But this is an incurable disease I have. And it all stems from the self-loathing I am so good at.
It’s that one thing I am still good at.
Professional.
Pathetic.
I haven’t loved family holidays for years. Spending my days with the very people I seem to avoid all other days of the year, talking about my future which I don’t believe I have, smelling all those foods that make me want to vomit, all the gift wrapping flying through the air and complete chaos- I hate it all.
I feel bad… as I should for hating being around people who love me. It hurts me that I feel nothing back. And honestly there is nothing I could possibly do to fix myself. I have tried everything know to induce feelings for someone- anyone, but I never have.
And dear family, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the person you need to see smiling at all the love and attention I am receiving from you. But understand that it’s not all my fault. But it’s not all your fault either. But this is an incurable disease I have. And it all stems from the self-loathing I am so good at.
It’s that one thing I am still good at.
Professional.
Pathetic.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
You Know
I am surprised to find that I am not even remotely upset.
I am not even looking back.
I assume we both know what's going on here.
You know that look you always said I gave you...? I am pretty sure it was frustration, curiosity and disgust all melded together. I am so glad this happened the way it did.
It was fun, and now, thankfully, it's done.
I am not even looking back.
I assume we both know what's going on here.
You know that look you always said I gave you...? I am pretty sure it was frustration, curiosity and disgust all melded together. I am so glad this happened the way it did.
It was fun, and now, thankfully, it's done.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Me.
Allow me to define myself. My name is Jessica Diane Hunt. My body is 20 years old and my mind is nearing senior citizenship. I like independent films, long books, narration, alternative music, and for fun I am a professional photographer. I don’t believe in stereotypes. I don’t believe in love. I do believe in God, although we aren’t very close.
What you see is an average girl with average looks and average outcomes. I used to have dreams. I used to have goals. I am quiet by anyone’s standards, but this isn’t because I have nothing to say. It’s because I don’t want to waste my time explaining what I think.
I break all my own rules. I don’t accept my own advice, let alone anyone else’s. I am passive. No one ever knows when I need or want or feel or anything. Life is easier that way.
I can’t explain it because I don’t really believe I can explain myself.
This is how I view myself. This is my definition.
Nothing is skin deep. Everything has a back story. And everyone is thinking the same things all the time.
They are thinking “me”. We only care for ourselves and we wait for someone else to care about ourselves too. That is what we call love. These are the simple, plain language views of life.
We are here.
We are here alone.
We don’t want to be alone.
We find company.
We wait to leave.
Death.
And all we think is “me”.
What you see is an average girl with average looks and average outcomes. I used to have dreams. I used to have goals. I am quiet by anyone’s standards, but this isn’t because I have nothing to say. It’s because I don’t want to waste my time explaining what I think.
I break all my own rules. I don’t accept my own advice, let alone anyone else’s. I am passive. No one ever knows when I need or want or feel or anything. Life is easier that way.
I can’t explain it because I don’t really believe I can explain myself.
This is how I view myself. This is my definition.
Nothing is skin deep. Everything has a back story. And everyone is thinking the same things all the time.
They are thinking “me”. We only care for ourselves and we wait for someone else to care about ourselves too. That is what we call love. These are the simple, plain language views of life.
We are here.
We are here alone.
We don’t want to be alone.
We find company.
We wait to leave.
Death.
And all we think is “me”.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Shh..
Can I confide in you a secret? Well, I suppose it’s not a secret that I am a human being with human feelings, but I hear that some of the qualities are a little different than average.
I want to fall in love. Eventually, that is. But first I want someone to fall helplessly, desperately, madly, painfully in love with me. I want to know that am what makes someone get up in the morning. I want to be disgusted with the amount of attention that someone tries to pay me. I want someone to love me more than I love myself.
Does that make me selfish? I have always assumed that it did. I have had people whose opinions I don’t respect tell me that this thinking is most definitely selfish. But if this is the one thing I am selfish about it, I will be perfectly fine.
I do want to fall in love, eventually. But I just don’t think I am in an acceptable place to make that leap.
So keep my secret, just a little longer.
I want to fall in love. Eventually, that is. But first I want someone to fall helplessly, desperately, madly, painfully in love with me. I want to know that am what makes someone get up in the morning. I want to be disgusted with the amount of attention that someone tries to pay me. I want someone to love me more than I love myself.
Does that make me selfish? I have always assumed that it did. I have had people whose opinions I don’t respect tell me that this thinking is most definitely selfish. But if this is the one thing I am selfish about it, I will be perfectly fine.
I do want to fall in love, eventually. But I just don’t think I am in an acceptable place to make that leap.
So keep my secret, just a little longer.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Make Meaning.
Today I was staring at a park bench. Just a simple poorly placed bench that was divided into 3 separate seats on the sidewalk and I started thinking about the type of people in the world. What people would be sitting on this bench?
There is the far right sitter. She cowers to herself hoping her sitting doesn’t inconvenience anyone, keeping all her belongings safely under her feet and keeping her elbows from crossing the line. She does this in the off chance that someone else would want to share this bench with her.
There is the left side sitter. He walked up to this bench and took the easiest first seat that came to him. He isn’t rude, but at the same time he doesn’t think of the inconvenience of someone stepping around him. He makes himself comfortable, but not too comfortable. His elbows might cross the sides; he might shyly stare at the far left sitter, wondering if she would give him the time of day.
Then there is the middle sitter. He has no concern for how he is portrayed. He doesn’t care if his closeness makes the others uncomfortable. Even if he arrived at the bench first he would have taken that middle seat. His personality says that you will notice him and if you absolutely need to sit, you will sit by him. And you will like it. He strikes up conversation to make the situation seemingly less uncomfortable.
Three strangers sharing a bench; as close as possible, yet as unfamiliar as living in the same world allows.
The one weird girl staring at a park bench… hoping someone won’t notice how much thought she puts into breathing each day.
There is the far right sitter. She cowers to herself hoping her sitting doesn’t inconvenience anyone, keeping all her belongings safely under her feet and keeping her elbows from crossing the line. She does this in the off chance that someone else would want to share this bench with her.
There is the left side sitter. He walked up to this bench and took the easiest first seat that came to him. He isn’t rude, but at the same time he doesn’t think of the inconvenience of someone stepping around him. He makes himself comfortable, but not too comfortable. His elbows might cross the sides; he might shyly stare at the far left sitter, wondering if she would give him the time of day.
Then there is the middle sitter. He has no concern for how he is portrayed. He doesn’t care if his closeness makes the others uncomfortable. Even if he arrived at the bench first he would have taken that middle seat. His personality says that you will notice him and if you absolutely need to sit, you will sit by him. And you will like it. He strikes up conversation to make the situation seemingly less uncomfortable.
Three strangers sharing a bench; as close as possible, yet as unfamiliar as living in the same world allows.
The one weird girl staring at a park bench… hoping someone won’t notice how much thought she puts into breathing each day.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Chuck Was Right...
It’s to the point that it hurts to breathe. My lungs are squeezed into my ribcage and held beneath my chest. On days like today, that feels like far too much pressure. Or maybe it is the pressure caving in on me from the outside.
It hurts like broken bones to feel unwanted, unappreciated, unrewarded. I feel like a burden moping about waiting for someone to fix me. I am a chore. I am a labor. I am pathetic.
I long for someone to enlighten me as to what is lurking in my fuzzy future. Can someone promise me that it gets better than this? Does it get better than making yourself look foolish daily?
I am destined for nothingness simply because everyone demands greatness.
I am the queen on mediocrity.
I am empress of the majority.
I do not stand out.
I am not a snowflake.
And to realize this after years of everyone building me up, everyone promising me I am special, it hurts. Like broken bones. Like it’s impossible to take another breath. The pressure is just too great. And I am just too average.
It hurts like broken bones to feel unwanted, unappreciated, unrewarded. I feel like a burden moping about waiting for someone to fix me. I am a chore. I am a labor. I am pathetic.
I long for someone to enlighten me as to what is lurking in my fuzzy future. Can someone promise me that it gets better than this? Does it get better than making yourself look foolish daily?
I am destined for nothingness simply because everyone demands greatness.
I am the queen on mediocrity.
I am empress of the majority.
I do not stand out.
I am not a snowflake.
And to realize this after years of everyone building me up, everyone promising me I am special, it hurts. Like broken bones. Like it’s impossible to take another breath. The pressure is just too great. And I am just too average.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Don't You Dare Say I Told You So..
If I could give you a reason that sounded halfway decent I would. But at this point everything that comes from my head just sounds silly. Because you have denied me everything that I wanted from you, I have turned this into everything I didn’t want. I wasn’t searching for another heart break. I wasn’t hoping for another place to put my attention.
I just wanted to be wanted.
I hear that that is an average desire. I thought wanting to know without a doubt that someone was physically attracted to me- that someone desired me- would be enough. But I didn’t find that desire. I didn’t achieve that fulfillment. You kept me at arm’s distance and made me use my imagination.
And here we are, where neither of us wanted me to be.
I think this would be a good cut off point. As bad as it will hurt me, there really is no option but to flee. I will run from you with my face to the wind and my heart back in its cage. I thought I could find myself in your arms but I see that you won’t let me get there to try. So it’s best we both be on our way.
If you so happen to realize that this has turned into more for you than it was supposed to, you can speak up at any time. I hate looking foolish alone.
And I am embarrassed to admit that I am just not strong enough to walk away from you without getting what I wanted. I will never ask again though. I will never allow myself to look foolish in front of you again. You aren’t worth it.
I just wanted to be wanted.
I hear that that is an average desire. I thought wanting to know without a doubt that someone was physically attracted to me- that someone desired me- would be enough. But I didn’t find that desire. I didn’t achieve that fulfillment. You kept me at arm’s distance and made me use my imagination.
And here we are, where neither of us wanted me to be.
I think this would be a good cut off point. As bad as it will hurt me, there really is no option but to flee. I will run from you with my face to the wind and my heart back in its cage. I thought I could find myself in your arms but I see that you won’t let me get there to try. So it’s best we both be on our way.
If you so happen to realize that this has turned into more for you than it was supposed to, you can speak up at any time. I hate looking foolish alone.
And I am embarrassed to admit that I am just not strong enough to walk away from you without getting what I wanted. I will never ask again though. I will never allow myself to look foolish in front of you again. You aren’t worth it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Simple Request
Have you ever quite experienced the rush of going completely insane?
I am.
It is an interesting high.
Unlike any that can be medically achieved, or so I believe.
I want nothing more than to come down.
I want to be normal and beautiful and simple.
Tolerable.
I would settle for that.
I would settle for the acceptance of my fellow mankind.
I would settle for being desired.
That would be nice.
But here I sit going crazy.
Overthinking anything that can be thought.
Exercising my mind until it has blisters and its muscles quake.
It longs for rest.
I long for sanity.
And sanity longs for me.
I am.
It is an interesting high.
Unlike any that can be medically achieved, or so I believe.
I want nothing more than to come down.
I want to be normal and beautiful and simple.
Tolerable.
I would settle for that.
I would settle for the acceptance of my fellow mankind.
I would settle for being desired.
That would be nice.
But here I sit going crazy.
Overthinking anything that can be thought.
Exercising my mind until it has blisters and its muscles quake.
It longs for rest.
I long for sanity.
And sanity longs for me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Step Up
I gave you every opportunity to escape. I gave you every out. But these mixed signals make everything stressful. You aren't worth the trouble I am putting myself through.
It's your turn to step up.
It's my turn to step out.
I hope you miss me more than I ever wanted you. I hope the ache you feel is everything I have thought this past week or so times two.
I hope it stops your heart to realize what you have more than likely lost.
Finally.
I am giving up on you.
Until later babe... later when it's just a little too late to get a girl like me.
It's your turn to step up.
It's my turn to step out.
I hope you miss me more than I ever wanted you. I hope the ache you feel is everything I have thought this past week or so times two.
I hope it stops your heart to realize what you have more than likely lost.
Finally.
I am giving up on you.
Until later babe... later when it's just a little too late to get a girl like me.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Permanent Costume
In the past few weeks I have been someone I am not. But am I becoming the person I have been impersonating? I could like that- being someone who feels with passion and emotion, being someone who has opinions and expresses them. I could be someone who stands out in the world.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Stop.
Every time something seems to be going right, I manage to destroy it. I am arriving at this place that is void of all emotions simply because I have allowed myself to be hurt so often.
Everyone around me keeps telling me that it isn’t my fault. “You’re perfect…” “It’s not you…” And at the same time they feed me lines like “I can’t handle a relationship with you right now...” It stings every time I think about all the people I have driven off by just being myself.
I’m ready for being me to be enough. I am ready for being smart, sassy, and beautiful to work to my advantage rather than making all these people think I am better off alone. If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn’t be around. If I wanted to be overlooked, I wouldn’t bother taking care to show up.
Why is it that all these people say one thing to me, then show me the emotion they claim isn’t there? For example, my most recent heartbreak said to me “I have too much going on… I can’t handle a relationship… you are going to find someone who deserves a great girl like you…” (or something like that) then proceeded to continue the flirting that got us into this situation in the first place.
I am arriving at a place that is filled with frustration and anger. This repeat pattern just isn’t working for me. Break this curse. End this cycle.
Can someone please just sweep me off my feet and carry me away from all this nonsense. Please.
I am tired of thinking about myself and being close to tears. I want to be happy so bad it hurts. I am trying so hard to be enough for myself… but I need more. I need someone to want me so bad they will burst if I don’t cave into their persistent attempts to make me fall for them. I want what other girls get.
I want you.
Everyone around me keeps telling me that it isn’t my fault. “You’re perfect…” “It’s not you…” And at the same time they feed me lines like “I can’t handle a relationship with you right now...” It stings every time I think about all the people I have driven off by just being myself.
I’m ready for being me to be enough. I am ready for being smart, sassy, and beautiful to work to my advantage rather than making all these people think I am better off alone. If I wanted to be alone, I wouldn’t be around. If I wanted to be overlooked, I wouldn’t bother taking care to show up.
Why is it that all these people say one thing to me, then show me the emotion they claim isn’t there? For example, my most recent heartbreak said to me “I have too much going on… I can’t handle a relationship… you are going to find someone who deserves a great girl like you…” (or something like that) then proceeded to continue the flirting that got us into this situation in the first place.
I am arriving at a place that is filled with frustration and anger. This repeat pattern just isn’t working for me. Break this curse. End this cycle.
Can someone please just sweep me off my feet and carry me away from all this nonsense. Please.
I am tired of thinking about myself and being close to tears. I want to be happy so bad it hurts. I am trying so hard to be enough for myself… but I need more. I need someone to want me so bad they will burst if I don’t cave into their persistent attempts to make me fall for them. I want what other girls get.
I want you.
Unlove
I’m not looking for someone to break my heart
I’m not looking for someone to hold my hand
Not someone to keep my secrets
Not commitment
I’m not looking to fall in love
I’m not searching for forever
I’m just looking for tonight
No relationship beyond primal connection
No passion beyond embrace
As wrong as this seems
As impossible as it sounds
It’s all I want right now
I know you are the one who can satisfy this need
The one with the cold hearted capacity
Because I know you want the same things
It’s like we were made for each other
Together we can fall out of love
Together we can stay apart
We are like two puzzle pieces
Not that fit together
But that don’t fit anywhere else
So just accept that I’m as simple as I seem
And fall in unlove with me.
I’m not looking for someone to hold my hand
Not someone to keep my secrets
Not commitment
I’m not looking to fall in love
I’m not searching for forever
I’m just looking for tonight
No relationship beyond primal connection
No passion beyond embrace
As wrong as this seems
As impossible as it sounds
It’s all I want right now
I know you are the one who can satisfy this need
The one with the cold hearted capacity
Because I know you want the same things
It’s like we were made for each other
Together we can fall out of love
Together we can stay apart
We are like two puzzle pieces
Not that fit together
But that don’t fit anywhere else
So just accept that I’m as simple as I seem
And fall in unlove with me.
Friday, October 21, 2011
So That's What You Call It These Days.
I'm done falling in love. I'm done searching for someone. I am done with what this fairytale tradition I am told I am supposed to want.
Who decided this?
Who was it that decided I should find someone in this world that loves me back? Love works so much better from one side. Love isn't love at all. It is a connection that us as humans feel the need to label. I don't want a label. I want what happens to happen and to be everything I have never experienced.
I want something to be my everything.
But it won't be love.
I have been informed that "love" s overrated... and I am beginning to agree wholeheartedly.
I would love to believe, but I am just too logical for something as silly as tummy butterflies to run the rest of my life.
If it happens, then it happens, but I am not studying this dream anymore.
I plan to make my own traditions. I destroy these labels.
Who decided this?
Who was it that decided I should find someone in this world that loves me back? Love works so much better from one side. Love isn't love at all. It is a connection that us as humans feel the need to label. I don't want a label. I want what happens to happen and to be everything I have never experienced.
I want something to be my everything.
But it won't be love.
I have been informed that "love" s overrated... and I am beginning to agree wholeheartedly.
I would love to believe, but I am just too logical for something as silly as tummy butterflies to run the rest of my life.
If it happens, then it happens, but I am not studying this dream anymore.
I plan to make my own traditions. I destroy these labels.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
God Only Knows...
I am still trying to fully figure out what it is I did to catch the world's eye.
I don't mean the good type of attention.
I don't mean the glorious type of fame.
I mean this painful knowledge that everyday when I get up that some new rumor has been spread about me amongst the people I thought I knew.
I don't think it is exactly fair.
I know that nothing about me is perfect. But I also know I haven't ever been a vindictive person. Somebody in my life thinks this cruel defamation of my character is hilarious. I hope the sick joy they get out of destroying me is everything they wanted. Because this pain is something I have never known.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
But I will keep smiling like this doesn't bother me in the least.
I will pretend that I am as strong as you all think.
I will prevail through this trial like I am a super human...
Because if I don't, nothing will ever be okay for me here.
Perhaps this is the world giving me a shove in the right direction for my life. Maybe this is opportunity not just knocking, but beating down my door. Maybe.
Maybe not.
Whatever THIS is, it's not going to get me. It will not destroy my heart. It will destroy you.
You know who you are, and so does God.
I don't mean the good type of attention.
I don't mean the glorious type of fame.
I mean this painful knowledge that everyday when I get up that some new rumor has been spread about me amongst the people I thought I knew.
I don't think it is exactly fair.
I know that nothing about me is perfect. But I also know I haven't ever been a vindictive person. Somebody in my life thinks this cruel defamation of my character is hilarious. I hope the sick joy they get out of destroying me is everything they wanted. Because this pain is something I have never known.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
But I will keep smiling like this doesn't bother me in the least.
I will pretend that I am as strong as you all think.
I will prevail through this trial like I am a super human...
Because if I don't, nothing will ever be okay for me here.
Perhaps this is the world giving me a shove in the right direction for my life. Maybe this is opportunity not just knocking, but beating down my door. Maybe.
Maybe not.
Whatever THIS is, it's not going to get me. It will not destroy my heart. It will destroy you.
You know who you are, and so does God.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Never Have I Ever..
Everyday it get's a little easier for me to think of something other than you. You might always be on the back of my mind, but at least you don't consume the entire area anymore... most days.
Everyday I want to be a little more honest. I want to ask the world what it's problem is with me. I want to throw my middle finger up to the universe and smile as I sail through all the adversity... most days.
Everyday I find something to love within myself. I find something about me that I wouldn't change no matter what. I fall in love with this beautiful person every chance I get... sometimes.
Everyday I lie to myself, claiming I am okay. Everyday nothing. It's a big fat never. Never will it all be flawless again. Never can I take back the mistakes. Never will it be the life I could have had. Ever.
Everyday I want to be a little more honest. I want to ask the world what it's problem is with me. I want to throw my middle finger up to the universe and smile as I sail through all the adversity... most days.
Everyday I find something to love within myself. I find something about me that I wouldn't change no matter what. I fall in love with this beautiful person every chance I get... sometimes.
Everyday I lie to myself, claiming I am okay. Everyday nothing. It's a big fat never. Never will it all be flawless again. Never can I take back the mistakes. Never will it be the life I could have had. Ever.
I'm Not Your Type
I’m not the type of girl you brush past, because there will be something to catch your eye. It may not be that I’m gorgeous. I may not stop your heart with my strut. But you are going to notice that something is different, and you will want to know more.
I’m not the type of girl you forget. Because I have a universal connection, I can make everyone fall in love with me for at least a second. My face may not be unique or amazing. My eyes may not sparkle and gleam. But I know that you are paying attention every time I speak. My words are never wasted. I know I am always heard. And I know I will always be remembered.
I’m not the type of girl you get over. I’m the type of girl your father warned you about. He may call our type “the one who got away” he may even call us “wife”. But you should be made aware of the effect that I can’t control. I don’t know what does it. What it is that makes people fall in love with me. But I know that they never fully get over me. The poor boys in my past’s hearts still skip a beat when they see me.
I’m not the type of girl that will sit through these mind games that you think you are playing with me. I invented these games. I know how to win. I know how to cheat. I know what to say to make any conversation go my way. I know what to do to make you think you have a remote chance. I can assure you that you only get one.
I am the type of girl that thinks she has fallen for you. And this is new to me. It’s nothing I have ever experienced before. And I want nothing more than to give you the second chance you don’t deserve. I never want you to know that I cry myself to sleep assuring myself that you still want me. I never want you to know that you make me doubt every action in my day. I’m afraid to be myself. And I’m afraid to be anyone else. The type of girl you can’t brush past. The type of girl you can’t forget. The type of girl you never get over. I just want to be yours.
I’m not the type of girl you forget. Because I have a universal connection, I can make everyone fall in love with me for at least a second. My face may not be unique or amazing. My eyes may not sparkle and gleam. But I know that you are paying attention every time I speak. My words are never wasted. I know I am always heard. And I know I will always be remembered.
I’m not the type of girl you get over. I’m the type of girl your father warned you about. He may call our type “the one who got away” he may even call us “wife”. But you should be made aware of the effect that I can’t control. I don’t know what does it. What it is that makes people fall in love with me. But I know that they never fully get over me. The poor boys in my past’s hearts still skip a beat when they see me.
I’m not the type of girl that will sit through these mind games that you think you are playing with me. I invented these games. I know how to win. I know how to cheat. I know what to say to make any conversation go my way. I know what to do to make you think you have a remote chance. I can assure you that you only get one.
I am the type of girl that thinks she has fallen for you. And this is new to me. It’s nothing I have ever experienced before. And I want nothing more than to give you the second chance you don’t deserve. I never want you to know that I cry myself to sleep assuring myself that you still want me. I never want you to know that you make me doubt every action in my day. I’m afraid to be myself. And I’m afraid to be anyone else. The type of girl you can’t brush past. The type of girl you can’t forget. The type of girl you never get over. I just want to be yours.
All I Want
I have been waiting.
I have been hoping for days.
I have been waiting and hoping that you will just ask me.
Ask me if I am okay?
If everything is going alright?
I want you to want me so bad you can’t stand yourself.
I hear what you say, and it’s obvious you are infatuated.
I just hope it’s me you can’t get over.
And if it’s not, so help me God, I will end you.
Because I deserve nothing less than the best.
And we both know I can have whatever I want.
And I will get everything that I want.
And unfortunately for you, I want you.
I want all your baggage and mess.
I want your flaws and your tiny chest.
I want your big brown eyes to look at me.
I want that genuine smile to distort your face.
I want you to realize that this is where you belong.
I want you to wake up from dreams of my green eyes, wondering why they aren’t there.
I want you to miss my warmth and kindness and silent stare.
I want you to think of me every time you hear any song and wonder why you let me walk away.
I want your hand on my knee, on my neck, in my hair.
I want your gaze locked on mine, wondering how you got a girl like me.
I want to infest your mind.
I want to be your every breath.
I want you to know that it’s you that I want.
And if I can’t have that, I don’t want you at all.
Trust me when I say, I get what I want.
And I want you to want me.
I have been hoping for days.
I have been waiting and hoping that you will just ask me.
Ask me if I am okay?
If everything is going alright?
I want you to want me so bad you can’t stand yourself.
I hear what you say, and it’s obvious you are infatuated.
I just hope it’s me you can’t get over.
And if it’s not, so help me God, I will end you.
Because I deserve nothing less than the best.
And we both know I can have whatever I want.
And I will get everything that I want.
And unfortunately for you, I want you.
I want all your baggage and mess.
I want your flaws and your tiny chest.
I want your big brown eyes to look at me.
I want that genuine smile to distort your face.
I want you to realize that this is where you belong.
I want you to wake up from dreams of my green eyes, wondering why they aren’t there.
I want you to miss my warmth and kindness and silent stare.
I want you to think of me every time you hear any song and wonder why you let me walk away.
I want your hand on my knee, on my neck, in my hair.
I want your gaze locked on mine, wondering how you got a girl like me.
I want to infest your mind.
I want to be your every breath.
I want you to know that it’s you that I want.
And if I can’t have that, I don’t want you at all.
Trust me when I say, I get what I want.
And I want you to want me.
Shell {pre-broken heart}
For the first time in an eternity, I felt something today. Something that cannot be defined as numb. Something that sends out a glimmer of hope that I am still lost in this body somewhere. I am unable to define what it was I felt. It seems like a combination of all the emotions I haven’t experienced in so long.
Overwhelming is an understatement.
What keeps me awake night after night is that I don’t know what has happened to any passion I used to have. There is nothing inside of me anymore. It is so numb that it’s painful. It’s like my personality has fallen asleep. But today was that tingly awakening feeling I needed to know I was still alive.
At least I think I am. Alive. Or something like that.
Does it take seeing those I love in bitter anguish for me to feel anything? Does it take the breaking of what I call my heart for me to understand who I used to be?
Where have I gone? Where am I hiding? Why has it taken me so long to realize I checked out? These questions mill about my mind as I try to find some sliver of meaning. Some hint of a purpose.
What is my purpose? I do nothing of any use. I have become one of the people I try so hard to hate. A nothing. A void.
I want to cry, but there isn’t enough emotion to produce an ounce of saline. I want to scream, but there is no air to fuel my voice. Nothing touches me anymore.
I just want to become myself again.
I just want to feel… anything.
Overwhelming is an understatement.
What keeps me awake night after night is that I don’t know what has happened to any passion I used to have. There is nothing inside of me anymore. It is so numb that it’s painful. It’s like my personality has fallen asleep. But today was that tingly awakening feeling I needed to know I was still alive.
At least I think I am. Alive. Or something like that.
Does it take seeing those I love in bitter anguish for me to feel anything? Does it take the breaking of what I call my heart for me to understand who I used to be?
Where have I gone? Where am I hiding? Why has it taken me so long to realize I checked out? These questions mill about my mind as I try to find some sliver of meaning. Some hint of a purpose.
What is my purpose? I do nothing of any use. I have become one of the people I try so hard to hate. A nothing. A void.
I want to cry, but there isn’t enough emotion to produce an ounce of saline. I want to scream, but there is no air to fuel my voice. Nothing touches me anymore.
I just want to become myself again.
I just want to feel… anything.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Until Further Notice...
Until further notice, I am not singing in the car. Today I noticed all the songs I feel express my point of view- music has become the simplest way since I had you- are all sung by men. Why does it seem that men are the only ones who get their hearts broken?
You, yes you, broke my heart.
Until further notice, you turned this optimist into a pessimist.
I don't want to move on. I don't want to just be your friend. But know that I will fake it as hard as I can until I find some sort of relief.
Some sort of...something that is better than what I have going on right now.
Seriously, boy. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to admit that you got ME? I have been the one that no one could phase since forever.
I don't even believe in love.
But until further notice, you changed everything. I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell for you. I remember the smell of your skin, the sound you made, the words you said, and didn't say.
I wonder everyday when I think of you, if you think of me too. I wonder if you still want me. I wonder if you still think my eyes are beautiful or if you will ever wrap your fingers in my hair ever again.
I wonder everyday.
I dream every night. The same depressing, fairy tale dream. The dream that you come back and tell me how wrong you were. You close the door, take my hands, and look me in the eyes...
To put it simply, I miss you.
And I want nothing more than your missing me to eat you alive everyday until you try to make me yours again.
I want you to make me give you the second chance I promised I would never give. I want to give you the second chance we know you don't deserve.
That's the simplest way for me to explain what would make this better.
Stop listening to the wrong advice and listen to what I hope your heart is telling you.
You belong with me until further notice.
You, yes you, broke my heart.
Until further notice, you turned this optimist into a pessimist.
I don't want to move on. I don't want to just be your friend. But know that I will fake it as hard as I can until I find some sort of relief.
Some sort of...something that is better than what I have going on right now.
Seriously, boy. Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to admit that you got ME? I have been the one that no one could phase since forever.
I don't even believe in love.
But until further notice, you changed everything. I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell for you. I remember the smell of your skin, the sound you made, the words you said, and didn't say.
I wonder everyday when I think of you, if you think of me too. I wonder if you still want me. I wonder if you still think my eyes are beautiful or if you will ever wrap your fingers in my hair ever again.
I wonder everyday.
I dream every night. The same depressing, fairy tale dream. The dream that you come back and tell me how wrong you were. You close the door, take my hands, and look me in the eyes...
To put it simply, I miss you.
And I want nothing more than your missing me to eat you alive everyday until you try to make me yours again.
I want you to make me give you the second chance I promised I would never give. I want to give you the second chance we know you don't deserve.
That's the simplest way for me to explain what would make this better.
Stop listening to the wrong advice and listen to what I hope your heart is telling you.
You belong with me until further notice.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Enough.
Something that scared me while you were around is that I knew you were enough. I didn’t need to succeed to be happy. I knew as long as I had you, I would be happy. I knew that success would happen eventually and I could focus on life happening now. Instead of trying to make the future happen.
Now that you are gone, I’m afraid that no one will ever be enough again.
I’m afraid that I will never be enough.
And that nothing is going to matter again.
It isn’t that I loved you. Not even a little. But I do wonder daily if I will ever be happy in my own skin again. Will I ever laugh? Will I ever feel? Will anyone ever feel me again? Will I ever get the good kind of butterflies?
You have breaking my heart from the beginning. All I ask is that you be careful what you say to me. Because it is a delicate balance, a fine line, between our happiness and our friendship. I know we both want to cross that line, but you built the wall. You made me put my guard back up.
It is all because of you.
Please let life be enough.
Now that you are gone, I’m afraid that no one will ever be enough again.
I’m afraid that I will never be enough.
And that nothing is going to matter again.
It isn’t that I loved you. Not even a little. But I do wonder daily if I will ever be happy in my own skin again. Will I ever laugh? Will I ever feel? Will anyone ever feel me again? Will I ever get the good kind of butterflies?
You have breaking my heart from the beginning. All I ask is that you be careful what you say to me. Because it is a delicate balance, a fine line, between our happiness and our friendship. I know we both want to cross that line, but you built the wall. You made me put my guard back up.
It is all because of you.
Please let life be enough.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
When The GPS Isn't Always Right...
If there is anything left in this world that I know for sure, it’s that nothing is ever going to be that same again. There is no one to blame. There is nothing you can do to fix it. That’s just the way things go. We travel on this path of life assuming we know the directions we will take in the not too distant future, then suddenly a detour or change in pace rock your world upside down. There is no one at the steering wheel. There is no one navigating. You careen out of control until you find yourself in a new position headed in a different direction. It’s heart breaking, losing everything you thought you wanted, everything you thought you were supposed to have. There is nothing to fix because the broken pieces are not there to put back together. There is no one to ask for help because all these people are now strangers to you. You have to pick everything up and regroup. I have to decide my direction from here.
There is officially nothing holding me down here. Call it pessimistic, but I have nothing to lose. I can throw caution to the wind and say whatever comes to my mind. I’m scared of nothing, yet I fear everything. There is nothing I want more than to have everything back to “normal.” Or was that normal?
Whatever it WAS, it’s what I want.
You know, that’s something you forgot to consider. You think you have what you wanted, but did you ever stop to consider what I wanted. What I needed? I was left here with nothing to cling to, no words to say, nowhere to go. I know at this point that things can never go back to the way they were. My world has crumbled to pieces. There is nothing left here for me. Nothing is living in the direction I was formerly heading.
I hope it’s everything you wanted. I hope it’s better than you imagined it could be, your life without me. Because I know plenty of people who will gladly take me into their lives and keep me there. Next time you think you aren’t happy remember that maybe it’s yourself ruining everything, and not the person trying to make it better. Maybe then you will realize what you tossed aside.
Because I don’t do second chances. You only get to mess up once.
There is officially nothing holding me down here. Call it pessimistic, but I have nothing to lose. I can throw caution to the wind and say whatever comes to my mind. I’m scared of nothing, yet I fear everything. There is nothing I want more than to have everything back to “normal.” Or was that normal?
Whatever it WAS, it’s what I want.
You know, that’s something you forgot to consider. You think you have what you wanted, but did you ever stop to consider what I wanted. What I needed? I was left here with nothing to cling to, no words to say, nowhere to go. I know at this point that things can never go back to the way they were. My world has crumbled to pieces. There is nothing left here for me. Nothing is living in the direction I was formerly heading.
I hope it’s everything you wanted. I hope it’s better than you imagined it could be, your life without me. Because I know plenty of people who will gladly take me into their lives and keep me there. Next time you think you aren’t happy remember that maybe it’s yourself ruining everything, and not the person trying to make it better. Maybe then you will realize what you tossed aside.
Because I don’t do second chances. You only get to mess up once.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Power
I realized that I have it.
I realized that people are learning my name.
And it scares me to the nth degree.
I am watched. People want me to fail. People idolize me (lightly). It's no laughing matter that I am to be in the public eye.
Ethics are suddenly important.
Smiles are effortless and constantly necessary.
My words reach you.
And you are the world.
My words reach the world (lightly).
So this is power?
Scary how small it really is.
I realized that people are learning my name.
And it scares me to the nth degree.
I am watched. People want me to fail. People idolize me (lightly). It's no laughing matter that I am to be in the public eye.
Ethics are suddenly important.
Smiles are effortless and constantly necessary.
My words reach you.
And you are the world.
My words reach the world (lightly).
So this is power?
Scary how small it really is.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Most unfortunately.
Recently I have started reading. A lot. And I suddenly realized how much I truly missed reading.
Because I am reading more, and again, I have also felt the need to write. A lot.
And so far, I have decided to expose the trajedy of my work environment to the public in a boo I have considered titling "Tips From Your Waitress." It's almost clever.
Anyhow, I feel like a human again. I feel as though I am embracing the person I was supposed to become but have recently denied with all the working pressures and expectations of a college student.
This is who I am now:
I cuss, most unfortunately because I intake countless profanities daily at work and in classes.
I spend money. Badly. Just because I have it.
I am a slob and haven't seen the floor of my room or the back seat of my car in a number of weeks now.
I am attracted to loser men who have done and are doing nothing with their lives.
If the girl I was met me now, we wouldn't even be friends. We would cordially nod and walk on because we weren't each other's type.
Yep.
This is me. Most unfortunately.
Because I am reading more, and again, I have also felt the need to write. A lot.
And so far, I have decided to expose the trajedy of my work environment to the public in a boo I have considered titling "Tips From Your Waitress." It's almost clever.
Anyhow, I feel like a human again. I feel as though I am embracing the person I was supposed to become but have recently denied with all the working pressures and expectations of a college student.
This is who I am now:
I cuss, most unfortunately because I intake countless profanities daily at work and in classes.
I spend money. Badly. Just because I have it.
I am a slob and haven't seen the floor of my room or the back seat of my car in a number of weeks now.
I am attracted to loser men who have done and are doing nothing with their lives.
If the girl I was met me now, we wouldn't even be friends. We would cordially nod and walk on because we weren't each other's type.
Yep.
This is me. Most unfortunately.
Monday, January 10, 2011
College
So I'm here. I go to classes, but I have yet to have an actual reason to be here. What I want for myself requires no education. Being who I am requires no instruction or grades. I don't need a professor with a doctor title to tell me I am smart, or talented. I know. I don't belong among these people with ambitious professional titles. They look down on me for having no clue. But at least I know who I am. I am who I have always been- someone who was created to create. I wasn't built to intake the world, but to change it with my hands and my voice. I view the world through a lens frame, I narrate my actions, I am not considered normal by any means. I love it. Every second of no guarantee of a successful future. It isn't a path I chose, but the place I was sent from birth. I was meant to be an artist, whether my medium be words, photos or the penned word. This is who I am and how I was born. And there is no masters degree in destiny.
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