Chuck Was Right...

It’s to the point that it hurts to breathe. My lungs are squeezed into my ribcage and held beneath my chest. On days like today, that feels like far too much pressure. Or maybe it is the pressure caving in on me from the outside.
It hurts like broken bones to feel unwanted, unappreciated, unrewarded. I feel like a burden moping about waiting for someone to fix me. I am a chore. I am a labor. I am pathetic.
I long for someone to enlighten me as to what is lurking in my fuzzy future. Can someone promise me that it gets better than this? Does it get better than making yourself look foolish daily?
I am destined for nothingness simply because everyone demands greatness.
I am the queen on mediocrity.
I am empress of the majority.
I do not stand out.
I am not a snowflake.
And to realize this after years of everyone building me up, everyone promising me I am special, it hurts. Like broken bones. Like it’s impossible to take another breath. The pressure is just too great. And I am just too average.

Don't You Dare Say I Told You So..

If I could give you a reason that sounded halfway decent I would. But at this point everything that comes from my head just sounds silly. Because you have denied me everything that I wanted from you, I have turned this into everything I didn’t want. I wasn’t searching for another heart break. I wasn’t hoping for another place to put my attention.
I just wanted to be wanted.
I hear that that is an average desire. I thought wanting to know without a doubt that someone was physically attracted to me- that someone desired me- would be enough. But I didn’t find that desire. I didn’t achieve that fulfillment. You kept me at arm’s distance and made me use my imagination.
And here we are, where neither of us wanted me to be.
I think this would be a good cut off point. As bad as it will hurt me, there really is no option but to flee. I will run from you with my face to the wind and my heart back in its cage. I thought I could find myself in your arms but I see that you won’t let me get there to try. So it’s best we both be on our way.
If you so happen to realize that this has turned into more for you than it was supposed to, you can speak up at any time. I hate looking foolish alone.
And I am embarrassed to admit that I am just not strong enough to walk away from you without getting what I wanted. I will never ask again though. I will never allow myself to look foolish in front of you again. You aren’t worth it.

A Simple Request

Have you ever quite experienced the rush of going completely insane?
I am.
It is an interesting high.
Unlike any that can be medically achieved, or so I believe.
I want nothing more than to come down.
I want to be normal and beautiful and simple.
Tolerable.
I would settle for that.
I would settle for the acceptance of my fellow mankind.
I would settle for being desired.
That would be nice.
But here I sit going crazy.
Overthinking anything that can be thought.
Exercising my mind until it has blisters and its muscles quake.
It longs for rest.
I long for sanity.
And sanity longs for me.

To Be

I aspire.

Step Up

I gave you every opportunity to escape. I gave you every out. But these mixed signals make everything stressful. You aren't worth the trouble I am putting myself through.
It's your turn to step up.
It's my turn to step out.
I hope you miss me more than I ever wanted you. I hope the ache you feel is everything I have thought this past week or so times two.
I hope it stops your heart to realize what you have more than likely lost.
Finally.
I am giving up on you.
Until later babe... later when it's just a little too late to get a girl like me.