Happy Holidays.

I listen to what I want to hear. I digest what I need to hear. And I tolerate what you need to say, just so we can all seem a little happier.
I haven’t loved family holidays for years. Spending my days with the very people I seem to avoid all other days of the year, talking about my future which I don’t believe I have, smelling all those foods that make me want to vomit, all the gift wrapping flying through the air and complete chaos- I hate it all.
I feel bad… as I should for hating being around people who love me. It hurts me that I feel nothing back. And honestly there is nothing I could possibly do to fix myself. I have tried everything know to induce feelings for someone- anyone, but I never have.
And dear family, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be the person you need to see smiling at all the love and attention I am receiving from you. But understand that it’s not all my fault. But it’s not all your fault either. But this is an incurable disease I have. And it all stems from the self-loathing I am so good at.
It’s that one thing I am still good at.
Professional.
Pathetic.